Braced Read online

  Title Page

  Dedication

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Twenty

  Twenty-One

  Twenty-Two

  Twenty-Three

  Twenty-Four

  Twenty-Five

  Twenty-Six

  Twenty-Seven

  Twenty-Eight

  Twenty-Nine

  Thirty

  Thirty-One

  Thirty-Two

  Thirty-Three

  Author’s Note

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Copyright

  For Mom and Dad

  I’M ON THE FIELD in my navy-and-white uniform, tapping my cleats lightly on top of the ball in front of me—right, left, right, left. The air smells like just-cut grass and brand-new rubbery soccer balls, and I’ve got that pre-game feeling: happy and sick to my stomach and laughing so hard my muscles hurt, all at the same time.

  I’m in the back row next to Hazel, and Frannie is up front with Ladan leading the warm-up, because they’re the captains for this scrimmage, which also means they’re both definitely starting. No surprise there. They’re the best players on our team. Frannie, Hazel, and I are best friends, but we’re usually split up during soccer, because Frannie plays forward, and Hazel and I play defense.

  Ladan leans over and whispers something to Frannie. Her shiny black hair falls over her shoulder in a never-ending ponytail. The whole time Frannie and Ladan are talking and tapping, it’s like they aren’t even thinking about what their feet are doing.

  “Toe taps to the right,” Ladan shouts.

  I follow her lead, running in place, moving the ball between my feet like I’ve been practicing with Frannie all summer. Then I slide the ball with the sole of my shoe, turn, and keep tapping, staying in sync with the rest of the team. I love the way it sounds when everyone moves together.

  “Great work,” Coach Howard says. “Let’s take a quick water break, and then we’ll huddle up.”

  We all jog over to the bench. Frannie and I both chug from our water bottles. Hazel applies another layer of sunblock to her peachy skin. Coach Howard is standing at the other end of the bench, scribbling on her clipboard.

  I know I shouldn’t sit, in case she calls my name, but I’m getting nauseous standing here waiting to find out if I’m starting. I never have before.

  Today is our first scrimmage. It’s my chance to prove I’m ready to start and maybe even play forward this year, and I have to leave at halftime to see the doctor. Mom waited until last night to tell me about it. She said she couldn’t change the appointment, because Dr. Paul’s schedule gets booked up months in advance and going to see him is more important than soccer in her opinion, which means I have to make every second of the first half count.

  “All right. Come on over,” Coach Howard says.

  Everyone huddles around her. I stand at the edge of the circle, because I feel like I might puke. Hazel grabs my hand. “Fingers crossed for you,” she whispers.

  “For you too,” I whisper back and hold on tight.

  “As far as I’m concerned, this is the most important game you’ll play all year,” Coach Howard says. “I want you to get out there today and give it your all. Stay focused. Work together. Work hard. Hydrate. It’s hot out here. If you don’t hear your name right now, that means you’ll be playing a bigger role later in the scrimmage. But everyone will be on the field today.” Hazel and I look at each other and smile. “We’ll start with the forwards: Ladan on the right, Frannie center, and Saaya left.”

  I feel my heart speed up. I need to stop freaking out for no reason. It’s not like there was a chance I was going to start on offense, since I don’t even play offense.

  “Midfielders: Lauren on the right, Zeva and Emily in the middle, and Katrina on the left.” Breathe. “Now, defense.” Coach Howard stares at her clipboard like she can’t read her own handwriting, or maybe she’s changing her mind about who she thinks should start. “Brianna in goal,” she reads off the page. “Let’s go with Josie on the right. Hazel left.” I squeeze Hazel’s hand. She squeezes back harder. There’s only one more spot.

  “And last but not least—” Coach Howard’s eyes travel around the circle of girls like she’s searching for someone. They land on me. “Rachel, I’d like you in the middle.”

  “Really?” I cover my mouth as soon as the word spills out. I hear someone giggle.

  “Really,” she says.

  Yes! Yes! Yes! This is happening: I’m starting in the first scrimmage of the year.

  “Let’s get out there and win,” Coach Howard says. “Hands in.”

  Everyone reaches into the middle of the circle. “GO BULLDOGS!” we shout as loud as we can.

  We win the coin toss, and I jog out onto the field.

  The ref blows the whistle, and Ladan kicks off, passing to Frannie. She dribbles down the field, and our offense owns the ball for most of the first half. No one scores, but it feels like the whole game is happening somewhere far away, on the other end of the field. Even though no one on defense has touched the ball, Coach Howard swaps Hazel out for Angela right before the end of the half, which doesn’t seem fair. I smile at Hazel and cross my fingers. I hope I don’t get taken out before I have a chance to do something.

  Ladan and Frannie swerve through green jerseys, passing the ball back and forth, landing where the other person needs them to be at the exact right moment. It’s like they’re in on a secret.

  There are only a few minutes until the end of the half. A girl in green steals the ball away from Lauren outside the penalty box. She dribbles around Emily and Zeva and heads straight toward me. Before I can think or talk myself out of it, I’m running to get the ball from her. The green jersey tries to fake me out with a high wave, but I don’t veer to the left like she wants me to. Her feet aren’t fast enough to move around me, and I drag the ball away from her. I look for someone to pass to. No one is open, and no one is coming after me yet, so I dribble down the field.

  That’s when I realize I’m not sure if I’m actually allowed to do this. I’m supposed to be manning the goal, but this is my chance to prove I can play offense. It might never happen again. I keep dribbling. Out of nowhere, one of their players is in front of me. I drag the ball back and then pull it forward, going around her. Frannie is open on my right, and I pass to her. She shoots it straight into the net.

  The whole team erupts, cheering and screaming, as the ref blows his whistle three times, signaling the end of the half. Frannie runs over and grabs me. “Rachel!” she shrieks, jumping up and down and pulling me with her. “We scored!”

  Hazel runs up behind us. “You got an assist!” she screams, hugging me and pulling Frannie in. I hug them back. The whole team crowds around us, jumping and chanting, “BULLDOGS, BULLDOGS, BULLDOGS, BULLDOGS.”

  It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It’s sunshine and whipped cream and someone calling you their best friend for the first time, only better. I feel like I’m floating.

  “Brooks,” Coach Howard calls.

  I jog over to her. She’s standing by our bench holding her clipboard. She played forward in college, and she has her nose pierced, which I think is cool. She changes the ring almost every day. Today it’s a blue, shimmery stud that looks pretty against her dark brown skin. “Way to hustle out there, Rachel. You’re playing like a real champ.” She
pats me on the back.

  “Thanks, Coach.”

  “We all wish you could be here for the second half. It’s too bad you have to leave.”

  “I really want to stay.” I feel my heart in my throat.

  “This is a one-time thing, right?” she asks.

  “Right,” I say quickly. “Definitely.” My next appointment with Dr. Paul won’t be for another six or seven months, and I’ll make Mom schedule a morning appointment, so it’s a one-time thing for Coach Howard.

  “Then we’ll see you at the next practice,” she says.

  “I’ll be there the whole time,” I say.

  “Okay. Good.” She looks down at her clipboard.

  Most of the team is standing around our bench drinking water and eating orange slices. I walk past them and over to Hazel, who’s off to the side juggling a ball. She looks up at me without letting it drop. “Time to go?” she asks.

  “Yeah,” I say. “Unfortunately.”

  “Ugh. I hate the doctor.”

  “Seriously.” I act like I’m just going to some regular checkup that’s totally normal. I’ve never talked to Hazel or Frannie or anyone other than Mom and Dad about going to see Dr. Paul. I guess I don’t really like to think about getting monitored.

  “Why couldn’t your mom just change the appointment?” she asks.

  “No clue.” I shrug. “Bring home the win,” I say to her.

  “It’ll be a lot harder without you,” she says. “But I’m on it!”

  I smile and jog off the field before she has a chance to ask me anything else.

  A few hours later, Mom and I are in Boston at the hospital, waiting for one of the x-ray techs to call my name. I watch the same cartoons that have been playing on a loop since we got here and lean against the wall, stretching out my hamstrings. I need to stay loose for soccer. I close my eyes and try to pretend I’m anywhere else. Only it’s impossible to ignore the smell, like cafeteria green beans and cabbage. I can tell Mom is trying not to breathe it in by the way her white linen scarf is wrapped tightly around her neck and nose. She rubs her swollen stomach. She’s pregnant. It’s weird. Hazel and Frannie totally agree with me. I mean, we’re in seventh grade. No one else’s mom is having a baby.

  “I think it smells worse today,” I say to Mom.

  “I thought it was just me.” She points to her belly. She doesn’t have morning sickness, exactly, but she told me everything smells stronger and more disgusting thanks to the baby. “I have another scarf,” she says. “Want it?”

  “Yes, please,” I say.

  She reaches into her bag and pulls out a blue-green floral-print scarf.

  I sit down next to her, cover my face with fabric, and breathe in a mix of detergent and Mom’s sweet perfume. “Much better,” I say, because it actually helps a lot. “Thank you.”

  “Good. I’m glad,” she says. “So, who won your scrimmage?”

  “I don’t know yet.” I shrug. “I missed the second half, remember? And no one has texted me back.”

  “I’m sorry, honey. I know you’re disappointed.” She pats my knee. “But there was nothing I could do.”

  “Except change the appointment,” I say.

  “We have to make sure your back is okay. This appointment is important.”

  “Soccer is important to me,” I say. “This scrimmage was a really big deal.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry I had to pull you out, but you’re lucky to be seeing Dr. Paul. He’s the best pediatric orthopedic surgeon in the country.”

  I already know how great Dr. Paul is, and I don’t feel like talking about him. No matter what Mom says, I don’t think it’s fair that his schedule is more important than everyone else’s. “I got an assist,” I say. “My first one.”

  “That’s amazing. I’m proud of you for making the most out of the time you had.”

  “Thanks. I did, and I promised Coach Howard this would never happen again, so it can’t, okay?”

  “Rachel—” She sighs.

  “Brooks, Rachel,” a woman in pink scrubs announces.

  Mom stays in the waiting room while I disappear behind the double doors. This is the easiest part of the day, because I’m the only one in the room when the machine is taking pictures of me.

  The x-ray tech opens the door to a small, empty room. “Please change out of your clothes and into a gown. Leave your underwear on, but remove your bra,” she recites, without making eye contact.

  I close the door behind her and change, thankful there is a stack of gowns on the shelf so I can take two—one to cover me in front and one to wear like a bathrobe. I can’t think of anything worse than walking through the halls with my underwear sticking out for the whole hospital to see. Well, I can, but I’m not going to think about what’s coming next.

  After they’re finished taking my x-rays, Mom and I go back to the main waiting room for another hour before my name is called again, and we’re taken into this little white room that smells like rubbing alcohol and latex gloves. The woman who called my name takes my height and weight, and then we wait more. My phone buzzes. It’s a group text from Hazel: We won!

  YES! I write back. What was the score?

  One-nil, she says. You assisted on the only goal!

  It would have been one-one, if Hazel hadn’t headed the ball off the goal line, Frannie adds. She totally saved us from drawing.

  That’s amazing! I say.

  The doorknob turns. I sink further into the sticky vinyl chair. I act like I’m too busy texting Hazel and Frannie about the scrimmage to notice the doctors, but really I’m counting their shoes—four pairs of oxfords and three pairs of identical clogs. I hate odd numbers and teaching hospitals and surgeons, except for Dad.

  “Rachel, can you say hello to Dr. Paul?” Mom says in this high-pitched, singsong voice, like it’s my first day of preschool and she’s introducing me to everyone. It’s stupid, because I obviously know Dr. Paul. I’ve been coming to see him twice a year since I turned eight.

  “Hi,” I say without looking up. I’m not trying to give him attitude or whatever it is Mom thinks I’m doing. It’s just that I know what’s coming next, and looking up will make it worse.

  “How are things with David?” Dr. Paul says to Mom.

  “He’s doing well. Very busy.” She doesn’t remind Dr. Paul to say hi to me.

  “Busy is good. I’m glad to hear it. I think we’ve all been working a lot more this month since we had to take off for the Orthopedic Association meeting.”

  “Absolutely.” She grins. “David said your keynote was very interesting.”

  “That is too kind.” I try not to roll my eyes. “Please send him my regards. I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to catch up at the meeting.”

  “I will. Of course,” she says, all excited and on the edge of her seat. Mom and Dad both act like Dr. Paul is some huge deal because he went to Harvard and now he’s a famous spine surgeon, and one time his picture was on the cover of this magazine about the best doctors in Boston. I don’t care about any of that.

  But it’s not worth kicking the chair against the wall or running out of the room or telling Mom I want a different doctor. I’ve tried every escape plan. They all get me back here, to this same place, to this little white room.

  “What do you say we have a look at that back of yours?” Dr. Paul says to me. His voice sounds robotic, with a trace of a British accent.

  I stand up and walk as slowly as I can across the room. I don’t look up at the doctors. I stop walking when I see the shoes in front of my bare feet, five-ish steps away. I turn my back to the shoes and wait.

  Mom tucks her golden hair behind her ears and stares at Dr. Paul like he has all the answers. She takes a deep breath. She’s so focused on making sure my spine is okay that sometimes it seems like she forgets I’m here.

  Dr. Paul unties the back of my gown.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath.

  “Bend forward and let your arms hang in front
of you like you’re trying to touch your toes,” he says.

  I bend forward, but I don’t let my arms fall between my legs like Dr. Paul wants me to. I clench the gown with my armpits. I can’t let it fall. The last time I saw Dr. Paul—six months ago—I was shorter and completely flat. Today I’m wearing purple boy shorts, which is lucky, but there’s no way I’m going to stand in front of all these doctors in nothing but my underwear.

  My stomach rumbles.

  “Hungry?” one of them asks.

  Shut up.

  Dr. Paul places the measuring thing against my back. I feel the gown slip a little and hang around my shoulders. I force the fabric to stay where it is. He moves the device down my back, holding it against me so I can’t move, and all the blood is rushing to my head. “The patient was last seen on April seventh, and in that time she’s grown four and a half inches. She has a family history of scoliosis. Her mother had a spinal fusion at age twelve,” he says to his residents, who are like apprentice doctors. “I’m going to use the Scoliometer, to do what?”

  “Determine the rotation in the patient’s spine,” one of the female residents says.

  “Good,” he says. “What else am I looking for?”

  It will be over soon, as soon as he measures my spine and checks my x-rays and says the number. Then we can get in the car and go home and pretend this never happened for another six or seven months.

  “Distortion in the torso,” another resident says.

  Nothing I do or say is going to change the truth about why I’m here: I have progressive idiopathic scoliosis. Translation: My spine is curving into an “S” shape. The funny thing about scoliosis is that my back feels normal, like anyone else’s, but I guess that part is only temporary. If the curve keeps getting worse and doesn’t get treated, it can be really painful and change the shape of my ribs and eventually make it hard for my lungs and heart to work the right way. I guess it’s a lot harder to fix the curve after I’m done growing, which is why I’m being monitored now.

  “Go ahead and stand up,” Dr. Paul says to me.

  I cover myself with my gown and sit next to Mom.

  Dr. Paul walks over to the computer monitor by the door and pulls up two x-rays of my spine—one from my last visit and one from today. He measures the angle between the top and bottom of the curve in my spine to determine the degree of my scoliosis. That number is how I’m being judged. Dr. Paul is checking to see if the curve in my spine is bigger, because as I grow, it’s sort of hard for the curve to get smaller by itself. That happens for some people, but I haven’t been that lucky so far.